


even when it's painful

by Skyepilot



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Babies, Comfort/Angst, Corny, F/M, Feels, First Kiss, First Time, Inhumans - Freeform, Love, Making Out, Romance, Skye | Daisy Johnson's Superpowers, agency
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-29
Updated: 2015-01-29
Packaged: 2018-03-09 10:11:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3245762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skyepilot/pseuds/Skyepilot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Skye and Coulson work through her powers and their pasts, and their feelings.</p><p>A dream is what makes people love life even when it is painful. - Theodore Zeldin</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Liabilities

"How can you stand this?"

He regards her quietly, standing there on the mats, staring back at him, her hands balled into fists.

They're both captives of a sort, at the moment.  That's what she's talking about.

She, of her own body, emotions, thoughts.  

And he is hers, while she works through it.  It was the only rational choice.

"Trip is _dead_ , I don't have _this_ under control," she continues, raising her voice, when he remains silent. "This is going nowhere."

"You just need time," he says softly.

"I'm a liability, Coulson. I could bring this whole building down around..."

The rumbling. He stays calm.

"I can't even control this," she says, putting her hands to her head, concentrating.

"You know what I couldn't stand?"

Her eyes dart back to his, quickly.  His tone is letting some of his own frustration trickle out.

"Coming back to work from my recovery," he goes on. " _Knowing_ something was wrong, but not _why_. In perfect health, but my mind couldn't bury that nagging feeling."

The shaking has stopped. She's listening now.

"To have a second chance?" he says, taking a step towards her. "To do it _differently?_  I had a position of privilege, because of what I'd lost. And I knew to get where I wanted to go, I'd be swimming upstream.  Alone."

She crosses her arms in front of her, maybe tiring a little of where this is going already.

"And then, suddenly, there's this, _amazing,_ young woman," he says, a smile starting to spread across his face. "Actually," he pauses, looking down, hiding his eyes for a moment, strangely embarrassed for some reason at the admission. "I hear her first. On her podcasts. _SHIELD is not the enemy_ , I tell myself. But, she's right about a few things."

Skye's hand drops to her side, holding onto her arm with the other.  He's not sure how she's taking any of this, but he feels like he can't stop it now.

All these things he's been holding inside of him for months. Longer, even.

"And then, one day, maybe it's by chance, or fate, whatever," he says, shrugging, a gesture with his arms follows. "I meet her."

He half sighs, half laughs. "It's a rocky start," he adds, raising his eyebrows as he sees the first signs of a smile forming on her face. "So when she looks at Mike Petersen and says he just needs a break, I ask myself, how is this even possible?"

A familiar sign, an emotional state he knows, her eyes get big and glassy and he means all of it, but he doesn't want to make her cry.

He steps closer and puts his hand on her elbow, just to reassure her, to ground her.  He's still here.

Skye is not into physical contact these days.  He understands, but it's not like her at all.

"How did _she_ happen to _me_? Just when I needed her?"

" _Coulson_ ," she starts, looking up at him.

Maybe he needs to stop.

"The real question is how could I stand to look away, or, leave you behind?"

"I might _have_ to leave," she says, her voice tight.  He can hear the tears there even if she's holding them back.

"That could be what's best, I don't know. But I'm not strong enough to make that decision, Skye.  It's always been your choice. I can rebuild this believing it's for the best, what it stands for. Always wondering for the rest of my life what it would have looked like with you in it. Knowing it could've been better."

"Okay." She's just staring back at him, wide-eyed.

"I'm sorry," he says timidly now, taking his hand away. "That was too much, wasn't it?"

"It's a lot," she said. "You don't usually share like that, in so many words. You were very good at it," she adds, like she's trying to reassure him. "Do you want to say it again?"

He chuckles at her. "As many times as you need me to."

"No ones ever...said things like that to me before," she says, putting her hand on his arm, tentatively. "Uh..."

She leans forward and kisses him next to his mouth before he can speak.

Pulling back, he's startled, a little red in the face, searching her eyes.

"Not the reaction you expected?" she asks carefully.

"Not exactly," he replies, sounding a little dazed.

"Then let me tell you," she says, touching her hand to this tie. "About this guy I met. In a very nice suit, with a flying car, who promised me he'd show me things I'd never seen before."

"I think he kept that promise," Coulson said, warily. 

"You're a good man, Coulson."

"Should we start again?" he asks.

She takes in a deep breath.

"Let's."


	2. Scars

"It gets easier, right?" she asks. "That's what you're supposed to tell me here."

He looks a little pained, but sighs and stares back at her.

"No?" she rolls her eyes. "Great."

He's found her in the hangar again, on the Bus, sitting at her haunt at the holotable.

"Trip and you spent a lot of time here?" he asked.

"Yeah," she said, shifting slightly on top of the table. "He'd keep me company while I looked over the carvings, trying to puzzle them out.  He was obsessed with the Koenigs, you know," she adds, fidgeting against the edge with her fingers. "What _is_ the deal with the Koenigs, anyway?"

"You miss him," he said, sidestepping the Koenig remark altogether. "Of course you do.  You always will. He's worth missing."

"Do you believe there is life after all of this?" she asks, looking around the glass walls of the room.

"I hope so," he answers quietly.

They've just come back from a mission, and Skye had to use her powers to get them out of a tight spot. Reluctantly, she did.

It went okay.  Some property damage, but that's on HYDRA, really.

"Whenever I use my powers, I think of him," she said, biting her lower lip. "I can't help it."

"It's okay," he said, touching her elbow. "You carry him with you."

"I know you understand," she continues, her voice sounding heavy. "But you're not carving anymore.  It's not controlling you now and you're the Director, no one treats you differently."

"I want to show you something."

He takes his hand away from her, starts to loosen his tie.

Skye's eyebrows shoot up to her forehead, but she keeps quiet, moves slightly closer, really.

His fingers start to unbutton the front of his shirt.  He didn't wear the undershirt today, he'd had a flack jacket on earlier, so he didn't need the extra fuss in case there was a field injury.

Standing next to her, he's looking away at once, hiding his eyes as he pulls apart his shirt slightly, then glances reluctantly back up at her.

"Wow," she says, her eyes wide and glassy.

"All the pain and death Project: TAHITI caused.  I look at this every day, and I'm reminded of it. The lives I ruined. If it stopped with that, I'd be a mess."

She doesn't go for the easy joke there, but her eyes do flutter slightly as he goes on.

"I'm also reminded that if this had never happened to me, I would never have met you."

A conciliatory smirk is trying to fight its way free.

"I like that better," he adds.

She raises her hand and it hovers for a moment, before her fingers touch the mottled flesh, as he watches.  Then, her hand on his heart.

"What happened today...," she starts.

"You got us all out of there.  Alive," he answers after a second, a little transfixed by the feeling of his heart beating into her hand.

Not sure who moves first, not sure it matters, they're kissing and he's fitting himself between her knees at the table, as her hands move under his shirt to his neck, tugging the tie apart to slide it off as the kiss deepens. She's stroking along his jaw, and his fingers have wrapped themselves around her knees, sliding up the curve of her thighs.

This has been a long time coming.  The tension between them since this all began has been nearly unbearable.  Having to play detached, as she's learned control over her powers. Everyone watching the two of them carefully, the suspicion that their priorities might be elsewhere.

They _should_ be suspicious.

Only on days like this, when it's post-mission, and people keep their distance, do they find these small moments of freedom.

" _Skye._ You have to know..."

Another kiss, cutting him off, letting him know that she _does_ know.  He can barely breathe as his hands touch her neck, her face, as he leans into her.  It's not enough to just touch her, his hands are on her back, pulling her against him completely, opening his mouth over hers as she takes a short breath and then groans against his lips when his tongue slides against hers.

They both turn slowly at the sound of something hitting the floor nearby.

Fitz is standing in the doorway, frozen, the object in his hand fallen to the ground.

Coulson sighs and stands up straight, swiveling away as he smooths his hair back.

"Fitz."

"I-I guess it makes sense, sort of?" he says, gesturing towards them with his finger as they both stare back. "No. Not really. Anyway, I wanted to show Skye a modif-modification I made to the gloves."

He winces and puts his fingers across his forehead, looks down and then realizes he dropped it, stoops to pick it up.

"Thanks, Fitz," she says with a smile, while Coulson buttons up his shirt.

She touches Coulson on the shoulder then hops down from the table, walking towards Fitz.

Taking the glove from his hands, he mutters and puts his hand on one hip, shuffling a little.

"It shouldn't have feedback now," he says, shutting his eyes, talking about the device helping to direct the energy she generates. "You guys are probably breaking a dozen protocols," he mutters, daring to look up to glance between the two of them.

Coulson raised his eyebrows over at Fitz, wearing a coy smile.

"I should let you two back at it, then?" he poked, nodding at Skye briefly and then heading out.  "Let me know what you think, when you're, um, finished here. Or tomorrow.  Whichever."

"Great," she said, already walking back towards the holotable and Coulson.

"But, it's...it's delicate equipment," he says, turning back to her for a moment. "So, don't get any, you know, funny ideas."

"I think we're good," Coulson says, looking a little appalled.

Fitz disappears and Coulson looks over at Skye, as she tilts her head.

"We should be more careful."

"Yeah," he says, as he pushes her up against the table, kissing her again.


	3. Possibilities

"My mother came here to escape them, you know."  
  
"Is that what your father told you?" he asks.  
  
"Yup. Left it _all_ behind to come here," she says, leaning forward over the back of the chair. "An outcast. Start over. Re-write her origin story."  
  
"Sounds like someone I know," he smirks.  
  
"Huh," she says back. "And..she married an ordinary human. Ew, _gross_. Big no-no."  
  
"So I hear," he says, taking off his jacket and tossing it on the table. "From my girl on the inside."  
  
"It's like betraying everything they stand for," she says, stepping forward in the small flat to touch the front of his dress shirt.  
  
"The kind of betrayal you enjoy, I presume?"  
  
"I do."  
  
She presses her mouth against his, having missed him for this month they've been apart.  
  
While she's infiltrated the enemy's ranks, learned their agenda from the inside.  
  
This is supposed to be a debrief, but she already has her heart set on being quite literal about that.  
  
" _Skye_."   
  
He's trying to slow things down, of course, as her hands slip beneath his shirt.   
  
This was first brought to their attention, slightly indelicately by Simmons. It made them second guess moving forward with the physical side of things.  
  
He wants to know what's changed.  
  
"They will _never_ decide this for me, who my body belongs to."  
  
 _So that's what this is about_ , he thinks, as he lets her kiss him again.   
  
Skye and her alien genetics, and someone who might be forced to change, just like her.  Because of her.  
  
They rescued a gifted with a baby almost a month ago. They couldn't save the man, he died sneaking the child out of the city.  
  
It stirred up all kinds of things inside Skye, naturally, but she had been very affected seeing Phil protecting the baby from the monsters that came to collect her.  
  
His arms so careful, and now, in this moment of safety, his smiling eyes looking down at the little girl, making her laugh.

They'd never talked about this.

When he looked up at her, when their eyes met, she knew.  
  
That's when she proposed she go in undercover, understand what would make that man give himself up so that little girl had another chance at a different life.  
  
She pulls the shirt off his shoulders, as he groans, giving over to the sensations as the questions begin to fade under the touch of her hands.  
  
He kisses her desperately, once his tie is on the floor, tugging her closer, pulling her hips up into his.

"What are we doing here, Skye?" he asks. 

" _Exactly_   what we want to," she says, staring up at him.

Leave it to Skye to turn their first time into an act of revolution. He's already smiling at the idea.

And she's chosen the perfect accomplice.

This is not about being careless. It's about having something they've both spent a lot of time denying they can. Allowing their circumstances to define too much and push their feelings to the side.

Helping him pull her t-shirt over her head, she starts to take apart the belt on his slacks and then takes his hand instead, before it goes further, up the narrow stairs with her to the loft bed.

They have to get to their knees to fit into the space, and she's peeling his undershirt off of him, while he's sliding the boots off her feet, sweeping his hands along the insides of her thighs, letting one hand rest between her legs as he tries to step of out his pants.

Instead, he hits his head on the low ceiling and groans, laughing at himself, and then they take off their own clothes just to be faster and more practical.

"Not exactly how I usually start a debriefing," he says, smirking at her.

She's managed to get her pants off much quicker than he, and now she's helping him, running her hand over his erection the minute he's free.

A few more strokes and he's mumbling her name and staring into her eyes, finally managing to break free long enough to push her back against the mattress and kiss his way down from her mouth, to her breasts, her hipbone, inner thigh.

"Phil," she gasps, her nails scratching along his scalp. "Later."

He plants another huge kiss between her legs and then slides himself back up over her, raising himself up on his forearms.  His hand moves back down, and his fingers push into her, feeling how warm and wet she is.

"I might not last very long," he promises.

"I don't care," she moans, gripping his shoulders, as he adds another finger.

Biting his lower lip in concentration, he guides himself against her and then slowly slides in, as she tenses around him first, and then relaxes.

"Good?" he asks, starting to slowly move.  She nods.

" _More_."

He goes faster then, building, until he's thrusting into her, greedy, letting himself, for once, feel possessive over this thing between them.

Kissing her as their bodies smack together, he draws up her knees, and then rolls his hips to get another angle.

Clearly, the _just_ right one.

" _Phil_."

His hand reaches out to touch her face, his fingers tracing over her lips.

"Yes," he pants. "Again."

She says it over and over again, as he moves against her, picking up her rhythm, until they both vibrate in symmetry against the mattress.

Her tongue traces the line of sweat down his neck back up to his jaw, kissing him slow and lazy when they come down.

"We should debrief more often," he says, trying to catch his breath as he falls against her, settling his face into the crook of her neck and shoulder.

"Let's."


End file.
